Rylanders UK Chapter Meeting

Windsor, Saturday 3rd January 1998

One is very pleased to inform one's subjects and other less fortunate people worldwide that one held a UK Upper - Chapter Meeting at Windsor last night. It was a great success, and one became as inebriated as a newt, as befits the tradition of such gatherings. As you will know, one is very keen to maintain traditions. One saw off a few bottles of the bubbly stuff, one can tell you! One's husband saw off much more, but he can't tell you.... not until he regains consciousness, at least.

It is a little known fact that one is a follower of Ryland Cooder. It is unfortunate indeed that, whatever the topic, journalists worldwide misquote one as saying "My husband and I..." when in fact anyone what spoke proper would realise one had in fact stated "My husband and Ry....". They just don't appreciate that one consults him on everything, and he always has an amusing story to tell.

Yes, Ryland's music has had one skipping down the palace corridors for years. One can exclusively reveal that one's perm is designed to conceal the Royal Headphones, so one can hear the Royal Walkman while mixing with the peasants. Ryland has recorded very many songs that are so, so relevant. One's subjects sing "The Very Thing That Makes You Rich (Makes Me Poor)" to one at every opportunity. There is "Billy the Kid", about our dear grandson, William. For some reason Wills keeps singing "Look at Granny Run, Run" after one's husband returns from the doctor. One would hate to disappoint Wills but though El Greco changes "Goodnight Irene" to "Goodnight, My Queen" every night, this is just in a note that he passes to my bedchamber via Flunky 217 (unfortunately Flunky 217 thinks it is intended for himself). Sadly "Married Man's a Fool" could apply to so many of one's family, and "Don't Mess up a Good Thing" was recorded with one's daughters-in-law in mind. We tried "Go Home, Girl", but with tragic consequences in "Paris, Texas". Of course, the song one sings the most, when touring around the peasantry, is "Women will Rule the World", though since Maggie departed the scene one has never understood why Ryland bothered with the plural.

The remaining mystery is why one was asked to hold these masks. There was a garbled message from a peasant who mentioned a Gary Marker, the Rising Sons and Fusion. However, this made no sense. One has made it very clear that sons do not rise.... and fusion is something to do with making tea, or so one's flunkies say.

Disclaimer: this has nothing whatsoever to do with Dave Mellor, who does not relish spending the rest of his life in The Tower of London. However, please note that the masks are indeed of Gary and Debbie Marker, who may be incarcerated on arrival (only joking.... we'll have the red carpets out).